So Now What

As a little girl, my best friend Haley and I loved to play make-believe games. Of course, a lot of these games consisted of us pretending we were older than we were in high school with boyfriends and lockers. We wanted to pretend we were old enough to have freedom and adventure, but not too much. We pretended to be mature, but never too mature. We wanted the privilege of being older, without all the responsibility. It was always a game of teenager, but I never pretended I was older than in high school. I guess even now it's hard for me to picture myself as an actual adult and not a teenage girl anymore. At heart, I still feel as though I am sixteen years old.

The truth is I have always been scared to grow up. I never wanted to get older. I knew how good I had it and I didn't want to lose it. I was blessed with a truly magical childhood, but I just didn't see the flaws in it all. My mother used to say that I always looked at life through rose-colored glasses and it was true. I had this wonderful naiveness to me as a kid which made it easy to be happy. I was this little girl gifted with fierce confidence and unrelenting joy. When I was a kid, everything was simple. I was exactly who everyone wanted me to be without even trying. The naivety faded away with age which is no surprise and I was forced to see the world for what it was- both good and bad. I wasn't this unconditionally confident and happy person anymore. I was growing up. I was learning what it meant to be a woman in this world. I was learning what it meant to be a daughter, a girlfriend, a student, and a sister. I was learning what it was like to grieve and get your heart broken and watch your parents get a divorce. I was being encouraged to grow up and yet it felt like I was being punished for it.

The worst part of growing up is having to address those big open-ended questions that have no immediate answer or solution. Who was I really? Who did I want to become? What did I want to do with my life? The truth is you never really find one specific answer. I have learned that you are going to become so many different versions of yourself throughout your life. The naive happy little girl is still part of me and always will be, but at the same time, I am also someone different. Life is about becoming new versions of yourself while also still building on the old versions. Now that I have just graduated from university, the most ominous open-ended question is on my mind daily: so now what? What do I want to do next? Where do I want to go? All I know so far is I am looking back on all the different versions of myself that have led to me becoming the woman I am today and I feel proud.

I based the title of this blog entry on a song by the Shins called "So Now What". I found a lot of comfort in this song when I was facing the first big change of my life during my senior year of high school. I was going through my first big breakup, graduating high school, and coping with the news that my parent's marriage was coming to an end. The song talks about knowing that different aspects of life are going to change and feelings about the uncertainty for the future. The emotional rollercoaster that comes with not knowing how things are going to turn out. The simultaneous feelings of fear and excitement for change to come. The song has a hopeful vibe to it, like no matter what the outcome is you will be able to "begin again". I think we all can find comfort in knowing wherever life takes us or who we decide to become, we can always begin again.